I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
