this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
