and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
