we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
