Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
