Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
