I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
