we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
