Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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