I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
