So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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