why didn't you poke me back
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
