So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
