I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
