I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
