i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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