I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
