Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
