if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
