these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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