haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
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I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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