I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The air taste purple.
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