No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
