I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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