please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
