I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
