My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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