Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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