He asked to "fluff my boner.."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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