So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
