Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
