Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
