and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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