You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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