She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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