I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
