we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
