This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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