i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
