Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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