I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
