I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
