seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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