Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
