Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
