either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
