trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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