if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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