My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
