I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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