My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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