oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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